Most of us go through life pushing forward towards goal after goal. What happens when you find yourself, mid-life, having done the things that you most wanted to do? What then? How can you easily pivot to uncover new goals? What if you're content to just be the best of who you are right now and wait for the next adventure to reveal itself? Isn't that just as valuable as a goal-oriented life?
Over the past month, I've really struggled with forgiveness, sadness, loss, blocked goals, wrong goals, new goals, terrible communication, manipulation, anger, embracing my feelings, reorganizing priorities, and being a better listener. Therapy, yoga, being quiet and learning to be OK with not knowing what comes next has been hard work. My brain is being retrained. I'm having to learn hard lessons. Isn't it true that when we put in the work now, we'll be better people in the long run?
I started practicing yoga two weeks ago at Project 7 Yoga in the Mills50 part of town. Each class is $7 and the place is so low key that I never feel uncomfortable. The instructors are so thoughtful; mindful that we're all processing different things, in different stages of our lives and facing individual struggles. The practice is simple. The thing I love best about it is that it forces me to consider what I'm doing and how I'm feeling at all times. I think my instructor said it best when she called it mental masturbation. You're pushing, pulling, moving, twisting, embracing, and releasing thoughts all during practice.
What's fascinating is that it's a great partner to therapy. I brain dump what's happening in my life on my therapist and just have to sit there in silence for a minute, really considering the selfish, angry, negative muck that I've raked up. Then let it go. Take my clenched fists of whatever I'm holding on to and just open my hands. Let it go. Be quiet. Wait.
Waiting has never been my thing. My normal reaction is to run or burn down whatever it is that isn't going well or isn't going my way or isn't going fast enough. Re-learning to commit, and what commitment means isn't easy. I'm constantly in a state of calming myself, forgiving myself. Things don't happen overnight. They just don't. Good things take time. My peace of mind is worth waiting for. So, I'll keep working. I miss chill Jenny. I can't wait to be her again.